The Unwritten Moments
by donmaribello
Summary: She can't hate him for coming back. But then, she does for not really coming back, because she longs for the old Peeta. The one the Capitol decimated and replaced. The one she got a glimpse of when he planted the primrose bushes outside her house. The unrecorded moments in the last chapter of Mockingjay. Pre-Epilogue. Give it a chance?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Hunger Games fan fiction story. I planned to make it a one shot because it won't be too long. But I wanted to test the waters first, hope someone out there likes it or something. If yes, then it'd be done in three chapters. It may sound mental but if we're honest I'm only writing it to give more depth to the happy ending I wanted from the last chapter of Mocking Jay. I just want some smutty Katniss and Peeta, but not too smutty lol ...sorry for typos and grammar.**

**Disclaimer: This is Suzanne Collins genius, I only want to provide for myself the Everlark closure I need. **

Few people know this kind of misery. A grief so real it becomes something so tangible. It becomes a physical object that chains you and immobilizes you. Immobilize, ha, the irony that word has now. Here sits the proclaimed Mockingjay, the girl on fire, whose flames couldn't be stopped by two hunger games and a war. No, not the war and all its losses were capable of extinguishing her grit to survive. She didn't know the meaning of restrain or being immobilized in all those years leading up to the rebellion. That of course has its own ridicule given where she grew up. But even all the confinements while growing up in this caged district were never enough to subdue her will to survive.

Not when she had a purpose, not when she had Prim. It was always about Prim, because Prim was her purpose. She couldn't define it now, but if you'd ask the old Katniss, she'd tell you. She would have told you the first day she went out into the woods frightened but unwavering to let Prim starve. She would have told you the day she volunteered to take her sister's place in the reaping and every day since. Every day was about her. Every day until she seared with the explosion that is, because that is the moment, the instance in her ill forsaken life when she became immobilized.

It's a sick joke really. Growing up in a suppressed Panem but feeling a perceptual resilience to live. Now it's a free world and she's given up. She doesn't live anymore, she only exists. The voids she carries inside are as transparent as the isolation she subsists with on the outside. She doesn't know whether to be grateful or resentful for the solitude people have given her. The feeling changes every other morning.

Today she feels resentful. She begrudges the people of Panem for using her for their convenience and then dumping her in an abandoned corner when she became damaged goods. She resents her mother for being selfish, for discarding her to deal with her own sorrows …again. She resents Haymitch for giving her the letter where her mother tried to justify her desertion. She resents Gale… but those reasons are too much to deal with today. Then there is Peeta.

She resents him the most at days and the least on others. She remembers reaching for the pill and his hand stopping her, that's when she hates him the most. She blames him for being the reason she still exists and everything that entails. But on the other days she doesn't hate him, she can't. None of what happened to them is his fault and he might be the only person who could truly understand the impact of what she went through. She can't hate him for coming back. But then, she does for not really coming back, because she longs for the old Peeta. The one the Capitol decimated and replaced. The one she got a glimpse of when he planted the primrose bushes outside her house. The same one she only nodded to before turning around and running back into her emotional sanctuary. He's just too much to think about on anyday, so she doesn't. She does her best to avoid him, just as she does in real life.

* * *

Days turn to weeks and weeks to a few months. Time doesn't heal her wounds, but in time, the mind protecting its sanity covers them with scar tissue. The pain curtails, but it is never gone. She has too many scars in her soul that complement the ones on the surface. And scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real. And her past reminds her she doesn't deserve the present. She will mourn the dead every day for the rest of her life, that is a given. But one morning in a moment of enlightenment, she decides not stay cradled on the couch anymore. She forces herself to get up and develop a routine.

One evening she is habitually sitting across the table from Greasy Sae, eating the modest stew the old woman prepared with the meager provisions in the kitchen. As far as Katniss is aware of, the people who have returned to district 12 have barely begun to rebuild from the ruins. She wonders how Greasy Sae got her hands on the rabbit. She doubts the new government at the Capitol is being so generous and Katniss hasn't hunted in weeks. She can't. And so she wonders who provided it, unlike the bread that sits on a plate in the center of the table. She doesn't touch the bread or verbalize her questions. She just sits there staring into her stew as she takes unhurried spoonfuls until Greasy Sae clears her throat.

As Katniss looks up, she says cautiously, "The boy wants to speak to you."

Katniss looks back to her bowl and after seconds too long replies, "No."

"I know—," Greasy Sae attempts.

Katniss doesn't blink, "No."

Greasy Sae gets up carrying the remains in her bowl to the sink and shaking her head in disapproval.

* * *

Days later, it happens in the middle of the night or a few hours before dawn, she isn't sure. She is awoken abruptly from her own pitiful sleep at the sound of a scream. On any other given night it could be the echo of her own voice, but not tonight. She doesn't have happy dreams anymore. They are either nightmares that trap her in her own mind or distorted ghost dreams of moments that really happened. She prefers the nights when she doesn't dream at all like tonight, well until… there it was again. She sits up on her bed thinking for a second. She moves to her bedroom window and opens it. She's greeted by a cold breeze and waits for another noise to direct her to the source. It's not hard to deduce the possibilities. There are only two other people here who've lived enough to resonate those kind of haunted screams. They also happen to be her only neighbors, Haymitch and Peeta.

When she hears the clash of things being thrown and broken in the direction of Peeta's house, she has her answer. She looks to where she knows his bedroom is located but the lights never come on. She gazes at his windows in the dim lights of Victor Village's street lamps. She stares for so long that she becomes entranced even till' after the clattering subsides. It's not until she touches her face to move loose hair strands that she realizes how icy it is. She closes the window and lies back down. Her mind wanders until she drifts off to sleep.

The next night she sits across from Greasy Sae in silence and this time she clears her throat.

As Greasy Sae looks up she goes on, "I— umm if Peeta wants he could join us for dinner tomorrow."

Greasy Sae nods, a smile hiding on her wrinkled lips, "An invitation?"

Katniss looks away and her eyes land on the daily plate with bread in the center of the table, "As a thank you for the bread."

Greasy Sae only nods.

When they are finished Greasy Sae is about to clear the plate with the untouched bread when Katniss reaches out and stops her. In all the weeks Greasy Sae has brought it with her, it is until this moment Katniss allows herself to reach for a piece.

She looks back at the old woman's wonder, "Is it okay, if I cut a piece?"

Greasy Sae smiles and hands her a knife from the counter. As Katniss bites into the slice, the old woman wraps the rest of the bread in a bag as she usually does. Katniss guesses she most likely gives it to someone who really needs it, someone who truly appreciates the creations of Peeta's hands.

* * *

The next day she wakes before the sun has risen over the horizon. She gears up in her old hunting clothes and eats a small breakfast alone. She packs a lunch consisting of leftovers from last night and writes a note for Greasy Sae. She lets her know where she's going and when she'll be back.

It is the first time since she was sent back that she is venturing into the forest. Her legs get shaky as she makes the familiar entrance through the fence that still has not been taken down. Whether she really has the courage to be here again is a tentative feeling but she makes herself believe she does. She reasons that it is because she'll have company tonight and the extra meat will be gratifying.

The forest is blooming with life in the foliage and in the animals that reside here. She finds her hidden bow and arrows in the logs they never left. It is a bittersweet reunion. The forest will never provide the same optimism it once did, but its absence in her life only casts a shadow she doesn't want to be followed by anymore. She doesn't hunt at first, she only walks around aimlessly, observing. She walks known trails and climbs acquainted trees. She pauses and let the flashbacks of moments with Gale happen. Time and distance have blurred the edges. She sulks and seethes, then she moves on. It doesn't take long before morning nears noon with its merciless light, and every bristle in the forest becomes clear. Finally, she resolves to accomplish the intention she came here with and shoots down two squirrels. Her shot is messy, but she still feels a senseless pride in still being able to hit her targets.

She replaces her lunch in her tattered game bag with the dead squirrels and finds a shaded spot to sit down. She finishes her meal and leans back into the tree providing the relief of Spring's warmth. She closes her eyes and thinks about what seeing Peeta will result to. She doesn't distrust he's made remarkable progress in his recovery. She's heard he's baking for the townspeople migrating back to the district as far as Greasy Sae has let on. She hasn't seen him in months. She's done a well damn job evading him and that says a lot seeing they only live yards apart.

She contemplates about how her own appearance will reflect in his eyes. She is convinced she will never look attractive in his eyes again. Her reasoning ranges from the Capitol destroying his love for her to his aversion at her existing looks. She is stained with burns and scars across her body. She spared her own face in the explosion by shooting her arms protectively over her head but to no advantage. Her face only expresses the tragic semblance her life has become. The sleepless nights manifest themselves in the dark circles under her eyes. Her endless gloom is obvious in her permanent frowns and scowls. The solitude is visible in the dullness in her eyes. She has no one or nothing to make them shine anymore, and she's okay with that. That is until now that she has become self-conscious in a matter of minutes wondering what Peeta will think of her.

She only hopes he thinks she looks healthier since the primrose bushes encounter. It has been almost three months since that moment. She has to thank Greasy Sae some day for forcing her to eat in all this time, because that was about all she had been able to do. She was ashamed to admit hygiene had been another thing for the first weeks. Katniss was confident someone was paying the old woman to look after her because there was no way she could put up with Katniss for free.

Katniss opens her eyes to look up at the clear blue sky but she does it so hastily she sees floaters in the corners. She closes them again for a few seconds and opens them in the same manner trying to see them again. She does. It's such a disregarded phenomenon to see these clear strands or fibers as they dance and glisten in your eyes. She is tempted to smile at this trivial discovery but the fleeting moment of contentment it is gone as quick as it came.

The oppression of her conscious reminds her that no matter how hard she tries to look at them, they'll float away. They will be gone like everything else in her life that provides her with any sense of joy. It only takes another glance to know it is true. She shuts her eyes and resigns to the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two things. First, thank you to the beautiful six souls that reviewed last chapter. Second, umm sorry for any typos and bad grammar I might have missed. I'm lazy. And there will be some angst next chapter, hope you stick around.**

She makes it back before the sun sets and she finds the note she left for Greasy Sae gone. She deliberates her options before dinner. She decides to clean the squirrels first and to bathe second. When she's groomed and dressed, it is already the hour when Greasy Sae usually saunters in to prepare dinner.

She lounges on her couch in discomforting silence and the back door's screech that announces the old woman's arrival never comes.

In its place, there is a knock at the front door. She knows it isn't Greasy Sae. It's facetious really how small details about the people who surround your daily life go unnoticed until a random instant like this one. Greasy Sae never uses the front door and she certainly doesn't knock. It isn't just because she's become accustomed to the house, but her human nature. The old woman has for years led a debauched lifestyle. Someone who illegally earned and traded at the Hob, certainly doesn't knock on a front door. In that state of mind, she guardedly approaches the door and turns the knob.

She was right. It isn't the old woman. There on her porch mirroring her stunned face is Peeta Mellark. They stand still for seconds too long just cataloging each other. She'd still ponder later what he thought about her, but at least now she knew what she was thought about him. He is in good shape, well as good as someone like them can be. He has longer hair now that was parted and slicked with a higher wave on the front. She could see a burn mark beginning at the top of his neck and disappearing into his collared shirt. His face changes into an expression that to her is not a greeting after a long absence, but the look of someone who has thought of her every day in that time. She isn't sure, it is only an instant. It is so brief that just as she caught it, it left.

He swallows as he's about to say something but she speaks first.

"You're here," she says stupidly.

He nods, "Yes. Hello, Katniss. How are you?"

"I'm- I'm okay," she admits.

She asks swiftly after, "Where's Greasy Sae?"

Peeta gives her a puzzled look, "She didn't tell you?"

Katniss matches his confusion, "Told me what?"

"She came to see me this afternoon said she couldn't make it tonight. She had to look after her granddaughter," he explains.

"Oh," is the only thing she musters. She's not buying it, Greasy Sae's justification.

He senses her thinking cap is on and promptly says, "I asked if it was alright with you… if I still came alone. She told me it was. Is it?"

"Uh yeah, yes. I just don't know what to do with all the squirrel meat now," she lies.

He eyes focus on hers, "You're hunting again?"

She nods unsure why that feels like a loaded question.

He gives her the first small smile they've shared in months, "Get them in the eye?"

Katniss answers with her own question, "You remember?"

He gives her a look, "There are many things I remember now."

She hesitates and stops, "Can you—?"

He's interested, "Can I what?"

_Can you tell what's real and not real now?_

"Can you help me with dinner," she asks.

He smiles, "Yes, of course."

She moves and welcomes him to come inside. He does.

* * *

After a few weeks things become less awkward between them, he becomes part of the routine. He comes every evening now to join Greasy Sae and her for dinner. He brings the bread with him now, different types on different nights to supplement whatever she has killed in the day. They avoid conversations about the past, instead they talk about the reconstruction, Haymitch and his geese, his baking, or her hunting.

Ultimately, when it all becomes a repetitive cycle, he tentatively brings up Dr. Aurelius and she allows it. He asserts Greasy Sae can't keep taking the weekly phone calls for her and insists that she should give the man a opportunity to do his job. She does. Later, he warily begins to ask her real or not real questions if they are relevant and she allows it.

She lets him because after all these months she finally begins to understand, at least for him. Owning their story will be hard but not nearly as difficult as trying to own it with gaps in between. She's not jumping to embrace her vulnerabilities but she is willing to help him even if it means to some extent exposing hers. When this clarity comes to her, she reacts as expected. She gets frustrated and uses the forest as her outlet. It's Greasy Sae who is more than pleased with the outcome and eagerly distributes the extra meat to the poor families around the town. She conceals her new distress from Peeta, but that doesn't stop her from beginning to bear a grudge against him again. It isn't the same resentment as months ago, it just a mild annoyance with him. Old or new Peeta, he still complicates things as usual and she blames him for her insecurities.

* * *

The notion hits her one morning, literally. She is in the cleaning spirits, while Buttercup judges her from a chair in the corner. His expression of boredom is almost enough to make her defenestrate him. As she is trying to reach an unopened box at the top of her bedroom shelf case she inadvertently dislodges something next to it. It hits her on the forehead in appreciation and lands full of promise on the floor. It's her family plant book. She picks it up carefully and curls back in her bed with it.

She begins skimming through the pages. She skips old entries, the ones she already knows by heart. She begins with the pages her father filled before his death. The plants are drawn with limited skills but the descriptions make up for it in vivid details. They specify which plants are editable and characterize their other uses. She flips to the very last pages and feels her eyes water. There in the last pages are her own sketches and descriptions. That isn't what made her eyes well up, it's Prim's writing in the margins. When Prim had taken after their mother, learning the practice to be a healer, she had added side notes to Katniss's. She depicted which plants were useful for certain wounds and to what extent they helped with pain. She doesn't cry, but she blinks whole heartedly at the evidence of Prim's existence.

She traces the letters with her fingers. The proof of Prim's nobility, always so willing to safeguard the health of not only the people she loved but complete strangers. She feels a sparking bitterness at the reminder of Prim's cruel loss. A loss of so much good when there is still so much evil roaming freely. She closes her eyes, tries to get a hold on her anger. It is pointless. Getting angry won't bring her back and she doesn't want to backpedal into the pit of complete darkness she was living months ago.

She only wishes that the rest of the world could know just how much good Prim represented. If only she could create a place for her, a memorial. She opens her eyes when a flash of rationality hits her. A book. She could create a book much like the one she is holding where she could keep the presence of Prim. She could write Prim's life story, the big and small details. She thinks of the rest of her losses. They could all live here, a book of memories. She could, no, she should ask Peeta for help. He shares her losses and between them he has the artistic talent. She hopes against her instincts that maybe this can be the healing process they both need. She places the book back on the shelf and sprints downstairs. It's the first time she dials anyone, and her response is synchronized with surprise when Dr. Aurelias realizes who's calling.

* * *

They all accept her idea with positive inclination and it becomes part of their routine. In two weeks, her unlabeled schedule begins with hunting in the mornings. She never thought she'd live to see other people treat her politely again, but that's what happens. People around town give her courteous nods if they cross eye contact and sometimes they even give her small smiles. She assumes it is because of the meat Greasy Sae hands out in her name. She never made it a condition that the old woman had to give her credit, but she guess the source of the meat is pretty obvious. Greasy Sae doesn't come to her house anymore, but they see each other every afternoon when Katniss hands her the spare game she doesn't keep for herself. Then she goes home, cleans up, and prepares for dinner with Peeta, sometimes they even invite Haymitch now. It isn't the exact pattern every day, but it goes accordingly, and for the past weeks she always ends her day in her living room with Peeta working on the book.

It wasn't planned to go in chronological order, but that's what happens. There were so many deaths before Katniss dealt a hand in the system, but they begin with the deaths that molded them to what they are now. The first pages are honored to her father. She places an old photo of him and adjacently imprints everything the man meant to her. It is the same emotionally stinging when Peeta draws Rue soon after. It's difficult but Peeta helps her through it and soon she fill ups the joining pages. She begins with old words she used once in a past lifetime describing Rue. She continues and reiterates that beautiful things don't ask for attention and that's what Rue was. She writes about how wise she was at such a young age being able to read people and knowing the use of plants in their surroundings. She describes her swift and silent capabilities comparing her to a shadow in the sky. It is aching and relieving at the same time.

They have been making rough drafts tonight. Peeta practicing his sketches of Cinna on loose paper that came separate than the parchment Dr. Aurelias sent. Katniss stands up with sore knees from her place around the coffee table. She head over to the kitchen and comes back with a teapot.

"More tea," she asks Peeta who is hunched over the coffee table with brows furrowed as he concentrates on his creation.

Peeta looks at his empty mug and back to her, "No, I'm okay."

Katniss sits on the couch and reaches to refill her own mug, "You don't think we should go check on Haymitch?"

Peeta makes a face, "Why do you ask?"

Katniss places her teapot on the table, "I saw him this morning on my way to the forest. I told him I planned to get a turkey today, so to stay sober enough to come for dinner. He gave me some backhand comment and waved me away. I know he blows us off sometimes, but he still promised to be here. "

Peeta gives her a passive expression, "Oh. It's probably because me."

She asks before sipping from her tea, "What do you mean?"

Peeta sighs, "Well to give you a brief backstory, I burned one tray of bread this morning. It doesn't sound like a lot but that's ruined food that could have fed somebody. Hence, on my way back from town I was in a foul mood because two families didn't get bread today at my expense. When I came home I found his geese in my yard again. "

She doesn't get what the big deal is, "Okay?"

Peeta persists, "He was drinking on his porch, so I shouted at him to come move them."

Katniss is reaching the mug to her mouth again as she says, "I doubt he'd miss on a limb of turkey just because you yelled at him."

"Well, I didn't just yell at him. He scoffed. I warned him again. He laughed and in response I kicked the goose nearest to me," Peeta retorts.

Katniss raises an eyebrow, "You kicked it?"

He nods, "Yeah, and that's not the end of it. Haymitch only shrugged and it annoyed me more, so I started kicking all the ones closest to me. They shuffled in a frenzy and ran off in the opposite direction."

Katniss feels a smile frolicking on her lips, "Then what?"

Peeta shrugs, "Well Haymitch cursed me out as he stumbled after them before they left through the gates."

"Peeta-" she begins.

"I know, I should-" he interrupts thinking she's going to berate him.

She laughs before he goes on in a blubber of how he should apologize, "Peeta, that's the funniest thing I ever heard. I'm only sorry about the bread."

He laughs too, "Yeah me too. Do you think I should apologize to him?"

Katniss gives him a smug smile, "He'll get over it."

Peeta stretches his arms over his head smiling, "Sooner or lat-"

The last of the word is drowned in a yawn.

He begins shuffling the paper on the table, "I should get going. What time is it anyway?"

"Uh," Katniss looks over her shoulder to the small clock in her view, "oh."

"What," Peeta questions.

"It's almost midnight," Katniss says surprised.

"Then I definitely should get going," Peeta says standing up and stretching his prosthetic leg.

"Peeta," Katniss says unsurely.

Peeta distractedly replies, "Yeah?"

"If you want you could just stay here," she rushes out before she regrets it.

He eyes whip to attention, "What?"

She quickly adds, "I mean on the couch."

"Oh," he says almost disappointed or relieved she isn't sure.

She stammers, "You don't have to say yes. I just thought— it's a stupid idea. I-"

"I'd like to," he says smiling.

Now her eyes focus on him, "What?"

"I'd like to stay here," he repeats.

"Oh. Okay. Well I'll go bring you a pillow and a blanket," she says rushing upstairs.

"Thank you," Peeta tells her back.

She brings him a pillow and two spare blankets although it's almost summer so there really is no need. She helps place the pillow behind him when he takes of his fake limb to be more comfortable. Then he lies down on his back and she hands him the lighter blanket that he only covers over his lower half.

He smiles at her when he's ready to try to sleep.

She backs away, "So you'll be okay here?"

He yawns, "Yeah, it's way more comfortable than my sofa."

"I guess I kind of broke it in," she says stupidly referencing back to the three months she spent attached to this couch like if he'd understand.

He narrows his eyes, "What?"

She shakes her head and moves toward the stairs, "Nothing- Well, I guess… sleep well Peeta."

They will never be able to say sweet dreams after what they've lived, but it is still sweet when Peeta tells her, "Good night Katniss."

She looks back at him with a smile but he's already turned on his side facing away from her which makes it easier when she replies, "Good night Peeta."

She turns off the lights and heads upstairs. _Good night indeed, Peeta._

* * *

Years from now when Katniss would recall when things changed in the dynamic Peeta and she had until then, it was this night. It had been eight months now since they had been dumped here in the ending months of winter forced to sink or float. It had been five months now since she had finally allowed herself to talk to someone besides Greasy Sae, which in turn had meant having Peeta back in her life. In these five months they had developed something. It wasn't the relationship or lack thereof Haymitch liked to mock about on the few nights he did come for dinner. No, they had developed a semblance of a friendship they once shared or were about to share before he was taken away in a past lifetime. It was this night where it changed on her mindful or mindless choice.

It has been more than a month now since they have been working on the book. They weren't nearly done but they have filled so many palready.

Peeta is finishing the portrait of Finnick on a loose paper. Katniss is supposed to be concluding her words on her own page, instead she is blankly staring at the picture.

Peeta is so talented, the sketch is so realistic, as accurate as a drawing could be. He shifts the paper to color in Finnick's hair and the new angle causes this Finnick's eyes to stare back at Katniss.

Peeta must have sensed the intensity of her gaze because he looks over at her.

At the expression on her face he asks, "What is it?"

"It's all wrong Peeta," she says staring at the sea green eyes on paper.

"Oh," he utters disheartened thinking she is talking about his illustration, "I'll try again. This time I—"

Katniss bellows, "Not your painting. This is all wrong."

"I'm not understanding," Peeta says narrowing his eyes.

She reaches for the book in the center and flips through it in demonstration, "I'm talking about all these people Peeta. It's wrong that they only exist here and all because of me."

Peeta understood now. He remains quiet.

"They all died because of me," Katniss says, tears appearing in her eye corners.

Peeta only looks at her.

"You think so too," she says pathetically to his muteness.

He shakes his head.

"Yes you do or you wouldn't stay quiet," she says defensively.

"Katniss, just because I'm silent doesn't mean I don't have anything to say," he says matching her tone.

"Then say something," Katniss pleads.

"I can't," Peeta offers overwhelmed.

Katniss swipes the back of her hand to her eyes refusing to cry, "Because you agree?"

Peeta looks at Finnick's portrait in his hands, "No, because I live the same burden."

Katniss is confused, "What?"

Peeta looks through a pile of rough drafts and pulls out one that Katniss hasn't seen before. He hands it to her and she goes silent. It is a black and white sketch of Mitchell, the soldier for District 13, the one Peeta inadvertently killed during their failed assault in the Capitol. The pods had triggered an episode in Peeta and Mitchell had tried to protect her. Peeta had thrown him into a pod that activated and killed the innocent man.

"Peeta, that wasn't your fault," Katniss attempts, if anything she had just enough blame as he did. Everyone had died trying to protect her and for what? She wasn't worth it.

"Then it isn't yours either," Peeta says almost reading her mind.

"It's different," Katniss retaliates. He was/is as innocent as the others. He was only another victim in the domino effect of destruction she started when she took out those berries. She should have swallowed them on the spot and let Peeta be the sole victor. It would have been the best choice for everybody.

Peeta begins to get frustrated, "How?"

She does too, "Because!"

He doesn't relent, "Because what?! How am I entitled to believe none of this is my fault and you're not?"

There are so many answers she could give. Only one passes through her scathed mind.

_Because Peeta… it's you._

She doesn't say it, instead the uninvited tears begin to flow down her face.

He stares at her for a while. He hesitates and moves closer to her.

She doesn't move.

He tentatively places his arms around her. She allows it. He hugs her.

"Peeta," she muffles into his chest after a while.

He sighs sadly.

It isn't bitter or angered, just defeated, "What do you want from me Katniss?"

She looks him in the eyes and allows the next words to travel from her lips, "Whatever you're willing to give me Peeta."

It isn't meant in a romantic way or anything else than to be the simple truth.

He knows this when he kisses her softly on the forehead.

"Come on, I'll tuck you in," he says in a small smile referring to to all these past days that Katniss has habitually tucked him in. She really just helps him get comfortable on the couch. She just fluffs his pillow and bids a nocturnal parting.

She nods and lets him lead her upstairs. He fluffs her pillows this time while she sits at the end of the bed. He asks her if she's going to change, she says she's too tired and only takes off her shoes. He nods and allows her to settle into the comfort of her bed. He tells her to rest and heads for the door.

And this is the moment where Katniss's mindful or mindless instincts changed everything.

"Peeta," she says inaudibly when he already has one foot out the bedroom door.

He almost misses it, but he doesn't. And she's grateful because she might never be in the same state of mind to ask in the future.

He stands in the doorway, "Yeah?"

Katniss is unsure how to say it, so she just goes for words of the past, "Will you stay with me?"

A look passes over his face. And when she's ready to hear a no, he approaches her kicking off his boots.

She moves over to make room for him. He lies down next to her after turning of the night stand lamp. She turns on her side, her back facing him. It is awkward for about five minutes and he shifts uncomfortably.

She realizes something and in what she hopes is the biggest display of her gratitude for him says, "Peeta you can take off your leg."

She can't see his expression in the dark but he replies, "I thought you'd be weirded out."

She laughs and hugs him because it's the most genuine comment she has heard him say. It's a deja vu moment of what old Peeta might have said.

He takes off his pants leaving on his white t-shirt and boxer shorts. She doesn't care. He takes off his leg and settles more comfortably on his side facing Katniss's back. He scoots closer and when his chest is almost pressing against her back, she crosses the boundary. She takes his left arm and puts it around her. He relaxes and soon they fall asleep with him spooning her. It is not sensual, simply comforting. The most either has had in months.


	3. Finding the beginning to the future

**This isn't the end. I have two more chapters before Katniss finds her peace with Peeta. Sorry, for typos you may find.**

By the middle of Autumn, Katniss wouldn't say they have grown together because then that would imply they've learned to define their relationship. They haven't. They live a companionship that is more than that, yet not really. It has been two months now since they began sharing a bed and other gestures when it became natural to stop asking for approval. Peeta no longer falters to place his arms around her when she needs it. She'll place occasional kisses on his cheek when he catches her off guard and does something considerate. The day they finished working on Prim's pages it took his cradling to calm her down. And at any given time, he'll place a gentle kiss on her forehead. It is all a ticking time bomb until the real moment but she never would have guessed the sequence it played out in.

It's 2 AM, and she is wide awake. She is thinking about a letter she got from her mother yesterday. It is one of many she has sent over the last months. She stopped pleading for Katniss to reply about fifteen letters ago. The letters no longer have questions instead they have statements. They don't ask if she's doing better, instead they describe happy memories about their family that crossed her mother's mind on a certain day. They don't ask if she is eating enough anymore, instead they describe peculiar sea animals her mother has learned of in District 4. They don't ask if she will ever forgive her anymore, instead they tell her how much her mother loves her. The letters are always a constant, and Katniss resents her mother for it. No matter how much progress she's made accepting her reality, the two that still hurt as much as before revolve around Gale and her mother.

In exasperation, she turns on her side to place an arm around Peeta waist. He's sleeping on his back and she buries her face in the side of his bare chest. He's another list of thoughts that could keep her awake all night. He's become everything to her in this afterlife. The old Katniss died in the explosion with Prim, but Peeta has given a certain meaning to this post life that she no longer feels like a ghost. But she doesn't know what meaning and that is the problem. She doesn't know how to define her feelings for him. He doesn't either.

He is still in many ways the old Peeta, but he'll never completely be that guy again. He's still a baker and a painter. He still doesn't take sugar in his tea. She thinks of the boots she helps take off on some nights and sure enough he still double-knots his shoelaces. Then there are the things he isn't anymore. He doesn't sleep with the windows open anymore. She's not a professional but she assumes maybe it has to do with a fear someone will creep through it and take him away again. The most obvious one is losing his gift with words. He doesn't know the right things to say anymore. He's reserved now and only opens up as much as she does. He's never professed his undying love for her as he once used to. Katniss is comforted and discouraged by it. Yet, his actions speak for him like she hopes hers do for her. It's like they're both tugging on a rope trying to reel the other in but neither really knows what to expect when one of them finally does. It's a mess.

She sighs annoyed and hugs him tighter.

An hour later, she wakes up from the sweat pouring down Peeta's flesh and the mumbling he's making. She recognizes the symptoms and nudges him to wake him up. A sleepless night is better than getting trapped in your own nightmare.

He isn't stirring and she nudges him with firmer hands.

His eyes are closed when he groans in despair, "Don't!"

It must be a bad one. She whispers his name.

His still dreaming when he shakes his head, "Stay away from me!"

"Peeta," she says sitting up and placing her hands near his to shake them awake.

"You're mutt. You're a mutt," he bellows in anger before shooting up awake with livid eyes.

"Peeta," she utters in shock when he takes hold of her wrists with a death grip.

The adrenaline in her heart overshadows the pain of his grasp, "Peeta. You were having a nightmare."

He glares at her with eyes she doesn't recognize in the dim light from the street lamps outside.

She recants, "Peeta, it's not real. It's not real."

It takes seconds too long before a look passes over his face, "Katniss-"

She offers a small smile, "You're okay. It was a bad dream."

He look at his hands on her wrists and when reality hits him he retracts them rapidly.

"I-" he tries to understand as he hurdles out of the bed on one leg to look for his things in the dark.

"It's okay. Peeta, come here," she attempts as he desperately finds and places his prosthetic leg on.

"No, it's not okay. I'm sorry Katniss. I'm sorry," he says horrified, feeling for his boots on the floor.

"It is fine, will you just-" she is about to say.

He finds his boots, "I need to go."

"Peeta," she is pleading.

He finishes placing his boots as quickly as he can muster.

He picks up his shirt from the floor, "I need to go."

"Don't go Peeta," her eyes are welling up.

He looks at her disheartened, "I'm sorry. I can't-"

"_-look at you," she thinks._

He doesn't try to justify anymore when he sees the defeated look on her.

He stumbles through the door and into the darkness.

She doesn't know what to do. She is used to the flashbacks that occur with less frequency now. Peeta will close his eyes and hold on to the back of a chair or the edge of a counter until it passes. His hands always have to clasp an object of reality. If he isn't anywhere sturdy then he will clutch his hair. If Katniss is in his proximity, she will be silent and just let him control it. Once it passes, they usually embrace each other as a reminder that they are here now. But this is different and she doesn't know what to do. The tears that had welled up in her eye corners instances before roll down her face when she hears their front door slam.

She doesn't go back to sleep. She can't. She waits for one hour and nothing. When it almost 5 AM, she gets up and dresses out of her pyjamas reprimanding herself for waiting this long to go look for Peeta. Yes, maybe he needed to get away from her, but she should have been cleverer. She should have let him go, but stalked him from a distance just to make sure he didn't jeopardize his well-being.

She is dressed in her hunting clothes when she descends to her living room. She is ready to hunt Peeta just to know he is safe, but a leaning bundle on the couch causes her to breathe in relief. There in the faint light of an impending sunrise she can see Peeta sitting in a slanted position. He fell asleep leaning his head against the couch's arm rest. She takes off her jacket and boots in alleviation. She didn't hear the front door open a second time in all these hours and she has a predator's ears. The deduction means that he never left. He changed his mind before he slammed the door closed, never having gone through it.

She picks up the throw away blanket from the complementing armchair and sneakily inclines next to a sleeping Peeta. She moves his upper body away from the couch's arm rest with as much stealth as she knows and leans his head against her shoulder. After a few minutes his body unconsciously reacts to the familiarity of hers and it slumps down. She places his head in her lap. She gets the blanket and places it over the rest of his body. She leans her head against the back of the couch and closes her eyes.

She must have fallen asleep for about 15 minutes when she feels Peeta stirring on her lap. She opens her eyes to the morning sunshine and prays it will help keep any more of the monsters in his head at bay. She looks down at Peeta and if to fulfill her own prayer runs a hand through his tousled hair. She runs her fingers through his dark blonde waves when his eyes open.

He offers an apologetic smile before asking, "What are you doing?"

Acting as if she isn't embarrassed for getting caught replies, "Checking you for lice."

He closes his eyes again as if to focus his senses on the feeling of her fingers, "Find any?"

She smiles, "No, but I just started looking."

He opens his eyes and says, "Katniss."

He doesn't have to say anything else. He says it in a way that she already knows where he is heading. Katniss, I'm sorry. Katniss, I'm sorry for hurting you. Katniss, I'm sorry for leaving. She doesn't want to hear any of it.

"I didn't know what to do," she interjects while still softly running her hand through his hair.

He thinks she is talking about the moment when he woke up in the middle of his nightmare, "I wouldn't expect you to. It was- when I woke up and saw you-," he doesn't want to talk about it, "I haven't had a nightmare like that in a long time."

Katniss nods, "I know, but that wasn't what I meant."

He stays silent letting her clarify.

"I didn't know if I was supposed to let you have your space when you left or go after you. I just didn't know what to do or say," she says her hand going still on his hair.

He nods in agreement.

She looks at his hair where her hand picks up its earlier motions because this will be easier to say if she isn't looking in his eyes.

"And there are days when I just want to stay in bed but I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to tell you so you don't worry and hover. I want to tell you to give me this day and tomorrow I'll be okay, but I don't know how," she says at last.

He searches for her eyes, "There are- there are times when certain questions about the past cross my head and I want to ask you. I want to know the truth and I don't know how to ask because I'm afraid of the reaction they'll cause."

She moves her hand to his cheek where her thumb strokes its apple, "I think neither of us knows what we're doing Peeta, but you can always ask. Always."

He smiles, "And you can always tell me when you're having a bad day. "

She mirrors his smile, "You too."

"Well, now that you mention it…," he says as he sits up next to her.

"I've kind of been having a bad day so far," he says facing her.

She laughs, "Yeah, I heard."

He looks at her pensively and then hesitantly says, "There are also- I- …sometimes when I'm near you like this all I want to do is kiss you and I don't know what to do."

Her laugh gets masked in a solemn flash as she stares back.

He holds her gaze, "I don't if it's okay with our past. I don't know what it'll cause in you and me, but my eyes just fall there-," he stops as his eyes focus on her lips, "and all I want is to kiss you like I do right now."

He looks at her searching for approval and she can only nod once.

He places his thumbs on her cheeks and leans in to kiss her. It takes a few seconds as her brains scans memories of all their past kisses. The beach kiss. Yes, that's what it feels like, a real kiss between people who are willing fight against life for each other. When she realizes it, she places her hand around his neck, reeling him in, closer. That's the prize for the winner of their game of tug war, the nearness of the other. She returns his kiss with that boldness not knowing who the actual winner is.

When their lips part and he rests his forehead against hers. They both have their eyes closed and she smiles for what feels like the first time in these past ten months.

She pulls back and stands up leading him by the hand.

"Where are we going," he asks chuckling.

"To get the rest we deserve," she says heading upstairs.

"But it's morning, you need to hunt and I need to bake," he attempts.

"The world won't collapse if we take a day off Peeta," she retorts.

"Twice would be a cruel joke," he says in allusion to how it already did once.

Katniss just laughs because it is a bad joke, but if she's honest what isn't anymore. Life is a bad joke.

When they reach her bedroom, no their bedroom, she dresses back in her pyjamas in the adjacent bathroom. He undresses to his white t-shirt and boxer shorts. She closes all the curtains in the room, while Peeta takes off his fake limb. Then they fall into bed with Peeta sleeping on his back and Katniss nestled in his side.

They'll get their good night's sleep this morning.

She has a fleeting thought of a leaf. Have you ever watched a leaf leave a tree? It swirls upward first, and then it drifts down toward the ground. She rose and fell in her old life, and now she lets herself hope she is that leaf drifting down to the where Peeta will catch her and be her ground.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to the people who take the time to review. It eases my fictional universe withdrawal ...lol. I know it's sad and lame. Hope you stick around.**

**Sorry for grammar and typos.**

It is the numbing half of winter and Katniss has to wear two thermo long sleeves under her father's hunting jacket just to be out here. She hides her frozen face in the warmth of her gray wool scarf. She should have listened to Peeta, but then she wouldn't be Katniss if she had. He scolded her for going to hunt in this cold, when the animals have either already migrated or hidden in the lapse of hibernation.

She is leaning against a bulky and season pruned tree. At this exact moment she wasn't so much hunting, merely observing the world covered in white. She did plan to search for game at some point, but right now she was taking a moment to pause and some might call it reflecting. She had to kill time in the least, so if she left empty-handed she could say she had at least tried. It was a stupid white lie she'd tell Peeta just to buffer her pride, but there were worse lies. Her lips curved at the thought of Peeta, thankful no one but the forest was around to witness her smile. At this moment he was probably stowed away in his own kitchen preparing the bread he'd hand out to the town families. The new government had let the surviving victors keep their fortunes in what was probably a scheme to redeem their guilt. She didn't want it, but the wealth was there. It was saved in an account under her name waiting for the moment she had a change of mind. She wouldn't. In contrast, Peeta had found use for his money. All those months that she had been on the roller coaster of misery, he had helped the returning the people of District 12.

He bought large sacks of baking ingredients from the Capitol with his victor money. Every two weeks they arrived on the train and were wheel burrowed to Peeta's house. He did it himself, but sometimes he'd hire someone just to help them out with a pay job. While people had accepted Peeta's charity in the beginning of the reconstruction, now they refused it unless they could give him something in return. They didn't do it to offend him but to repay his kindness. They traded whatever they could afford to expend and some appointed themselves to help Peeta rebuild his family's bakery once winter passed.

She was so proud of him. Yet, that wasn't on her mind the day they got in a heated dispute over her kitchen's use. When Katniss officially asked him to move in a couple of days after his episode, she had no idea what she was getting into with the makeshift bakery Peeta ran from his home. She had smiled at the sight of Peeta's belongings in the corners of the house next to hers. The hundred pound sacks blocking her back door, that is what she had scolded at. It wasn't different when she came home ready to clean her game and instead had to clean the residue of flour spread across her counter. It only took about a week before both of them ran out of patience. They had an altercation so loud, that the next morning Haymitch ridiculed her calling them a bad marriage in the making. She had kicked his geese in appreciation. The solution resulted being the one that didn't complicate their separate routines and while her house was theirs, they decided her kitchen was hers and his kitchen was his.

In the mornings, Katniss went out to hunt and Peeta left to his house to bake. In the afternoon, she would hand out whatever she could spare to Greasy Sae and Peeta would go on his bread rounds. Later, they would come back to their house for lunch. After that, they'd finished whatever needed to get done, from house chores to doctor phone calls. Then they would both prepare their dinner, sometimes with occasional guests. They'd drink tea and still work on the book, but at a slower pace. The deaths that impacted them the most were inscribed long ago, now they were adding people who were only faint recollections. Now, they were adding the district's perished tributes that they or Haymitch could remember. Then by 10 pm, they'd usually snuggle into bed together. It wasn't the precise agenda everyday but that's how it usually occurred.

Winter had changed things though, there wasn't much animals to hunt in this season. She was more filled up on bread these days than meat. People got along on what they could trade and the rations the new government sent to help through the chilly period. The only advantage she has gained from these frozen days was Peeta's warmth curled next to hers at night, but she would never say such thing out loud.

She exhales her blush under her lips and watches the white cloud of her breath dissolve in the cold air. She looks for signs of life in the leafless and barren trees around her. She is brainstorming. She could stay another hour or two out here, or she could go home and sit around the fireplace with a cheese bun from Peeta. The growl in her stomach makes the decision for her. She accommodates her arrows' bag and her bow on her back ready to leave, when she hears a rustling in the snow-covered shrubs ahead.

She doesn't move. In the distance, a brown buck steps out of the thickly blanketed bushes. It is looking in another direction. She cautiously reaches for her bow and places an arrow in his track. She lingers, staring at this majestic creature almost wearing its antlers like a crown. She can believe her luck, she estimate it's a 200 pounder and estimates the uses of all that warm fur. She takes too long because when she places her killing shot the deer turns returns her gaze.

She can only look back. Deer are unpredictable animals and she's been in this stand off before. Some stare back for seconds too long, that usually causes their own death. Some are clever and as soon as they sense the danger, they scurry off in the opposite direction. But she can only return the stare because this fazed animal causes something in her. She holds her bow's place but stealthily takes one step forward. It doesn't move. She takes three more. It still doesn't move. She moves forward and it just stands there returning a familiar doe-eyed gaze. She is about five feet away from it and it slightly turns its head like if he's the one watching her with curiosity. She doesn't follow her instinct to shoot. She slowly lowers her bow and holds it with the arrow in one hand. She never lets her eyes drift away. She takes one step closer and then another. It still doesn't move. She tentatively reaches out her hand to stroke its white furred nose and it doesn't butch. And just when her fingers are about to make contact it scampers away from her never looking back. She is staggered to the ground uncertain what just took happened.

* * *

She makes it back to her house hesitating if she should tell Peeta about it. She opens the front door and listens for movement traversing across the two floors. There is none. He may be in town but she decides to check his house. Sometimes if she isn't there for lunch, he'll begin another batch of dough and will get absorbed in his baking forgetting to come home to eat. She goes in through the back door of his kitchen only to find that everything is cleared away until tomorrow. She stands still and listens. She hears him chattering in his living room, but he's either talking to himself or on the phone. She takes off her jacket and drops in on top of her game bag. She creeps into the living room and finds him sitting on the couch talking into the phone that sits on the adjacent table. She should make him aware of her presence knowing to it is wrong to eavesdrop but she doesn't. She's intrigued by the content tone his is speaking with and wonders who could be on the other line. It definitely isn't Dr. Aurelius.

"Oh god I know," Peeta says mortified at some memory she presumes.

Katniss can't hear the other person but her guess is right when he states, "My brothers never let me live it down."

The response must be funny because Peeta laughs.

"I know, I know," he says good-naturedly.

She knows he's smiling even with his back to her when he says, "Yes, I read it in your letters. So you're really up to it?"

She's only really overhearing a one-sided conversation but it's easy to assume the other person said yes because he replies, "Even in this weather?"

"It's not too bad," he says cheerfully.

"Of course," he adds.

"No, I'll bring it up with her, but you're always welcomed to stay here," he says and her ears perk up at the mention of who she guesses is herself.

"She's doing well," he says with another smile and she relaxes.

"Yes," he answers to the asked question she'll never know.

He changes topics, "So what's your answer then?"

"I knew it," he says thrilled.

After the other person answers, he admits, "I can't deny that I'm excited to see you."

He laughs after an unknown response and says, "Okay. I'll see you there."

_So someone is coming here and he's excited to see them._

He's saying his farewells and she quietly backtracks into the kitchen.

She is heading for the back door when she hears his approaching steps.

She freezes searching for an excuse to give on why she didn't tell or at least motion to him that she was here throughout his conversation.

He finds her but seems oblivious to her apprehension, "Hey."

"Hey," she says returning his smile.

He sees her empty game bag at the door, "You hit anything?"

"No," she says rolling her eyes and losing her paranoia.

He smirks, "Don't want to say I told you so…"

He trails off and she already knows the answer to her question, "But?"

"I told you so," he says smugly heading for a cupboard.

She heads for a stool, "So what have you been up to?"

"Nothing much just dropped off the rest of the bread," he says motioning his head to the washed trays near the counter while his hands search for mugs in the cupboard on the wall.

She sits, "And?"

"That's about it," he says easily retrieving a kettle from the stove and hugging two mugs in his other arm.

She nods disappointedly.

"Okayyy there might be something else," he says standing in front of her.

She narrows her eyes, "Uhuh?"

He pours hot chocolate into a mug for her, "So Delly called me-"

She interrupts in surprise, "Delly Cartwright?"

He smiles, "Yes. She's coming up here."

She tries not to sound suspicious, "In the winter?"

"I know. I reacted the same way today. I mean, she's been writing she planned to come up here soon, but I thought she meant in the spring. She called me today and said she was heading here next week," he says filling his own mug.

Katniss blows on the warm drink trying not to sound bothered, "I didn't know you guys stayed in communication all this time."

"She means a lot to me," he says likes if it's nothing, and maybe it isn't.

Yet, it dissuades her from further comment so she just utters an oh.

He senses it because he quickly throws in, "I mean because we're childhood friends and she helped me through…"

She nods like if she understands, "Yeah, of course."

He changes the topic, "So she's coming up here to scope out the site to rebuild the justice building."

Katniss sips from her mug before responding, "I didn't know she had such priorities."

"I know who'd of thought Delly being a civil enforcer," he laughs reaching his beverage to his lips.

"So she must be an important person now," she says looking at her drink.

"Well, she studied in 13 and now she has an entry-level position. I guess she was the one they could afford to send," he says placing his cup on the counter and heading for the oven.

"Anyway I was going to bring it up at dinner but I might as well," he says while offering a cheese bun from a batch on warm plate he had concealed there.

She takes one but doesn't bite it, "Yeah?"

"She asked if it was okay to stay here and I said yes," he answers placing the plate down on the counter.

She looks at the toasty bribe in her hand, "Here in this house or.."

"That's what I told her I'd ask you about," he says unsurely.

She looks at him.

She knows Delly is a nice girl and she knows she shouldn't be giving Peeta a hard time, but she can't help it. She had no idea they were such close buddies and she's disappointed Peeta didn't mention anything before, even if it was only a few letters. And there are other reasons. If she's honest anything that could jeopardize what she has with Peeta makes her defensive.

"Is it okay if she stays with us? Because if it's an inconvenience I can just let her stay here, so either way she'll have a place to stay," he offers to placate whatever thoughts she's having.

She smiles at his consideration and bites into the bribe.

"Either way is okay with me," she says covering a mouthful of cheese bun with her hand.

He beams, "So it's not a problem?

"No, of course not," she says after swallowing the bite and in what she hopes is her most convincing lie.

"That's what I told her you'd say. Thank you," he says candidly.

She nods and he leans over the counter to give her a gentle kiss.

_Not a problem at all._

* * *

In the days that passed until Delly's arrival, Katniss mentally reprimands herself. While Peeta and her haven't declared themselves a couple, at the end of the day that's what they are. She knows it in his hugs and kisses. She had acted like a green-eyed idiot and she is embarrassed that she had let Peeta see even a fraction of it. When the evening comes to pick up Delly at the train station, she lets Peeta go alone. She stays home preparing a slight banquet for their arriving visitor.

She is setting up the table when she hears laughter coming through the front door. She places a welcoming smile on her lips until she catches sight of Delly. The perished teens who had called the girl pasty-faced and lumpy could roll over in their coffins of shock. She hates to be that grim out loud, but let's face that's what she felt her own appearance was reduced to in seconds. Delly has grown lumpy in all the right areas because she now has a prominent hourglass figure. She is wearing a small amount of make-up that amplifies her blue eyes and pink lips. Her blonde hair has grown long and she has it down in flowing waves. She is so changed that her familiar greeting catches Katniss by surprise.

In the seconds that Katniss is taking her looks in, Delly reaches to embrace her, "Katniss!"

Katniss achieves in keeping her smile while hugging her back, "Hey Delly, how was the train ride?"

"Too long, but I'm so happy to be here," Delly says beaming.

"We're happy to have you," she lies, well at least from her behalf.

"It smells wonderful," Delly says taking in the aroma of the cooked feast.

"Katniss caught few rabbits today. Only a true hunter can hit something in this climate," Peeta tells Delly proudly.

Katniss smiles at him in gratitude.

"You always were the best of your kind Katniss," Delly says with candor.

Katniss isn't sure if it is a backhand compliment implying the best of a hunter type or the best of a Seam type. Whatever, it is she lets it go for Peeta's sake.

She changes her scrutiny, "Yeah well... you hungry?"

Delly looks between Peeta and Katniss, "The better question is when am I not?"

Peeta laughs and Katniss feels her gray eyes going green again.

Dinner is a nuisance, at least from where Katniss is sitting. She wishes Haymitch was here, he'd know how to end this charade of pleasantry. She should have listened when they had invited him and he had closed the door on them saying never befriend an optimistic. Yet, she was only doing it for the blonde next to her, not the one across. She really had no reason to dislike Delly, she was still the sweet girl from a year ago. And yet here she was, silently seething. Peeta and Delly were rambling on about childhood memories, forgotten family events, old school friends, and stories that didn't have anything to do with her. It was like watching through a window and occasionally they'd open it to throw her a bone. They would sense her quietness and one would try to include her in the conversation, only to be left out again a couple of sentences later.

It was no surprise she was on her second plate.

"This is one of the best meals I've had in a long time," Delly says more to Peeta, when Katniss doesn't respond promptly.

"Well, you'd have to thank Katniss," he replies. There was her bone.

"I do thank you Katniss. My brother will die of envy when I describe it to him," she says looking for some confirmation that Katniss doesn't hate her.

Katniss gives it to her, "Speaking of your brother, how is he doing?"

Delly smiles, "He's doing good."

After a silent pause her lips falter and her eyes glaze with water at the corners.

"He still isn't ready to come back here," she says in explanation.

She uses her right hand to swipe unshed tears while her voice cracks, "I'm sorry, I still get emotional when I think of my parents."

Peeta who was sitting by the edge of the table in between them, places his hand over her left. An action that doesn't go unnoticed by Katniss.

"It's okay Delly. It's still less than a year, no one would expect different," he says in comfort.

Delly places her right hand over his, sandwiching it, "Thank you, Peeta. You always know what to say."

Katniss wants to be empathetic, but instead she feels like she might throw up, but not before Delly asks, "What do you think Katniss?"

"I don't blame him," Katniss said referring to her sibling instead.

She knew it wasn't what Delly was asking and Delly doesn't ask again.

Peeta looks at Katniss and finds her gaze ending at his joined hand with Delly's. He quickly retracts his hand and asks, "Is he studying to work in the judicial system too?"

Delly laughs while swiping over her eyes a last time, "Oh lord no. He doesn't have the patience to get through one paragraph if it has anything to do with laws and regulations."

Peeta smiles, "So what is he planning to do?"

"He wants to help people. He's studying to be a doctor," she answers proudly.

"Well, he chose a bright future," Peeta offers.

Delly looks at Katniss, "I hope so, if only I could ask your mother to take him under her wing. Do you think she would?"

"I don't know. You'd have to ask her yourself," she replies coldly.

Peeta gives Katniss a scowl at the tone and she doesn't care.

Delly looks at her plate instead asking politely, "She's that busy?"

Katniss shrugs, "I wouldn't know. I don't speak to her."

Delly gives her an apologetic expression, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Katniss returns her own look of remorse, "Don't worry about it. I just- I'm sorry. I'm just getting a headache."

She rubs her forehead for a more convincing performance.

"Oh, if you're not feeling well I have some-," Delly begins.

Katniss makes her escape to Peeta's incredulity, "No, it's okay. Thank you. I'm just going to go to bed. It was nice to see you again Delly."

"I'll see you in the morning," Delly offers.

Katniss stands up with her empty plate to place at the sink, "Right.. well I'm sure Peeta will do a better job in making you feel welcomed."

"Oh, no you've been very lovely," Delly says and Katniss thinks it's a lie.

Katniss just smiles at her not making eye contact with Peeta. She isn't prepared for it.

"Sleep well," she hears Delly call after her.

_Doubt it._

* * *

She tries to force herself to go to sleep but it is all futile. She can't bat an eye to the distant chatter as they finish their dinner. She tosses and turns in bed when she hears them cleaning up the dish ware. Then after what must be two hours she hears Peeta's footsteps clinking up the stairs. He is taking lazy steps and dragging his feet, that's why she can hear the metal.

She knows he is tired from the day, but she doesn't know if she is the one who drained him of all vitality. She knows she made a fool out of herself and yet she blames him. He is the reason she is feeling too many things at once.

When he is outside the bedroom door, she scoots to the farthest edge of her side of the bed. She turns on her side so he faces her back. He comes in and she feigns her sleep.

He brushes his teeth in the bathroom and undresses at his side of the bed. He takes of his prosthetic leg and pulls on his black sweats before joining Katniss under the covers.

He could have let her faked her sleep, but he wouldn't be Peeta if he had.

That is why he scoots over the large gap and spoons his body behind hers.

"So how's that nonexistent headache," he says wrapping an arm around her waist.

She sighs in defeat, "Is she going to be alright in my mom's old room?"

He nuzzles her shoulder, "Yeah, I made sure she was okay."

"I'm sure you did," Katniss replies determined to dig her own grave.

He sighs defeated now and rolls on his back, separating himself from her.

He rubs his jaded eyes with the back of his hands, "So are you going to tell me why you're being this way?"

"What way? I'm just being my usual self," Katniss lies facing away from him.

"I must have missed the memo," he retorts.

She walks into the next one, "What memo?"

"The one were jealousy became part of your usual self," he quips.

"I am not jealous," she scoffs.

He is tired, "Then why are you being this way?"

She still won't turn, "Which way?"

"Katniss don't act like this," he says beginning to get frustrated.

"I'm not acting any way," she says looking at his darkened form over her shoulder.

He takes a deep breath, not in the mood for an argument, "Do you want me to leave?"

She rolls on her back in symmetry to Peeta's staring at the ceiling, "It's up to you. I'm sure Delly won't mind the company."

Peeta could have reacted in any way, but he just laughs at her.

"You are jealous," he says turning on his side.

She repeats his action, facing him, "So what if I am?"

"Katniss," he says in that tone. The same one that tells her everything. Katniss, what are you doing? Katniss, you're being stupid.

She answers begrudginly, "Why don't you just go Peeta?"

He makes circles on her arm, "You really want me to?"

She says it quietly, "Might as well, she knows you better than I do apparently. She's beautiful. She is optimistic. She's everything I'm not. I don't know why you haven't left already."

"Katniss-" he attempts

She doesn't relent, in the dark it's easier to wallow in self-pity, "Why are you still here?"

He just keeps making patterns in her arm, "Because Katniss. Delly doesn't see me that way and even if she did… she's not you."

She stays silent.

He doesn't look at her. He stays focused on his motions on her arm in the dull light from outside, "Delly is beautiful, inside and out. She has a kind heart and so many other good qualities."

A blow of dejection passes over her face.

He tries to find her eyes, "And she'll make some other guy very happy and when that day comes we'll be there to celebrate with her."

She closes them, "No, we won't. You're like that deer in the forest."

He narrows his eyes not comprehending, "What?"

She keeps her eyes closed, explaining her analogy more to herself than him, "Your love is like that deer."

"I don't understand," he says.

She opens her eyes to the realization, "It doesn't matter. Any time, I let my guard down and life lets me get close to something that beautiful, it always takes it away from me in the other direction. So why don't you just leave. I don't deserve you."

"Says who," he asks unconvinced.

"Everyone, Haymitch, me," she replies.

"When did he say that," he asks in angry disbelief.

"A long time ago, he said I could live a hundred lives and I wouldn't deserve you. He's right Peeta," she says sadly.

He strokes her cheek, "I don't care what anyone thinks, especially a guy who lives his life drunk from sunset to sunrise. All I care about is you. Don't you understand Katniss?"

Maybe she does, but she needs to hear it, "Why?"

"Because you're the person I want," he says placing his moving hand around her waist instead.

She won't let herself be this vulnerable again, so she fishes for the answers tonight. "Why would you want me when you could have anybody else? You deserved someone who truly appreciates the good in you."

He accepts her need for validation, "Katniss, I don't just want someone who sees the good in me. I want someone who's seen the bad in me and still wants me. Because you want me right?"

She smiles, "God, that's a stupid question."

He laughs and she does too, because they both need this pathetic moment.

"I'm sorry, I never say it. I've never been good with words," she says as the preamble to her confession.

He rolls his eyes, "Like I didn't already know."

"I do want you Peeta, for so many reasons," she states.

He goes silent this time.

"A year ago, no one wanted me. They dumped me here shattered to the bone," she says and pauses.

"I'll always be irreparable Peeta, because in a world without Prim I can only be half a person. But now… I'm not just pieces any more- it's because of you. I'm not a broken mess because you returned to me what they stole. My hope… you're my hope Peeta," she continues.

"I'm sorry I don't say it more often. It's fear that stops me because all I remember feeling since the first reaping is being scared. I used to be scared to lose Prim… now I'm scared to lose you. Maybe that's why I'm being like this because- because I'm scared to think I'll wake up one day and you won't be here," she finishes.

He pulls her closer, "That is never going to happen Katniss. I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't know that, what if one day you decide you don't want me anymore," she says throwing the figurative shovel down in the grave before her.

"The only day I would even think of leaving is the day you stop wanting me," he says with honesty.

She stammers, "That'll never happen because- I- because-"

He makes it easier for her,"-because you love me. Real or not real?"

"Real," she tells him.

"And I love you. Okay?"

She nods accepting his reassurance.

"I never thought I'd be able to say it again. I don't know if it's the same as before or more, because that is the thing I can't remember. I don't remember with what intensity. But I feel it now, when I look at you and every time I kiss you," he finishes.

She gives him a smug look, "You should kiss me then."

And he does.

When their lips part he adds, "You should really be nicer to Delly though?"

She raises an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because since we started writing to each other, she pesters me about you," he answers.

She fishes, "And?"

"She says to make you fall in love with me I have to make you laugh," he says embarrassed.

She can't help it, "Peeta, that's stupid."

"I know, because every time you do laugh it's me who is falling in love," he says with triumph.

This time she kisses him.

He yawns after their lips separate, "So we're okay?"

"Yes," she smiles turning around so they can fall asleep with his body cradling hers.

"Good, cause I don't know about you but I'm exhausted," he says placing a last kiss on her shoulder.

"Good night," she responds blissfully.

About five minutes into trying to find their slumber Katniss speaks his name as a question.

His eyes are closed but he replies, "Yeah?"

"That laughing and falling in love part was so corny," she says.

He yawns and pulls her closer, "I know. Doesn't mean it isn't true."

She doesn't say anything, just smiles even when he begins snoring softly.

* * *

After that night, it is easier to be nice to Delly for the other days she stays with them. Then the time comes for her departure and she accompanies Peeta to drop her off at the station. When they hug each other goodbye, Delly surprises her saying how much she wished she could be like Katniss.

She isn't specific and Katniss doesn't ask her to explain.

Later, everything returns to normal except for the undeniable grins Katniss wears on some days. It is short-lived. One Saturday afternoon, she picks up a phone call from Dr. Aurelias. She should have known because he only calls on weekdays.

It is his day off and he's not calling as her doctor. He's calling as someone who knows her story and as someone who cares about her. He has influential connections and has learned that a government ceremony is going to take place in the spring.

That is not what he's warning her about, he calling because he knows Gale Hawthorne is attending that ceremony.

Her smile becomes a scowl.


	5. Chapter 5

**This is the last chapter, and I hope it's not disappointing. I want to thank the people who followed and reviewed this story, in its brief stance. I start school tomorrow so this is why I'm uploading. I guess my own end to this series withdrawal. Thank you again.**

She has a fleeting memory of words her father used to describe the transitions between seasons. He used to say that autumn was the season of reverence and she thinks of the book. He used to say that winter was the period of perseverance and she thinks of Peeta. Then when spring came he'd say it was the time of revitalizing one's innocence. He would say that if the trees could grow leaves again then a being could too. He would say that if flowers could bloom again then the human spirit could too. Those are the words that stick to her mind this morning. She thinks her wounds are capable of healing and blooming again. They have been, and they will continue to do so after today. But today is day she has to be the most precarious with her soul.

The snow melted weeks ago and the forest is flourishing in green again. The animals are returning or coming out of hiding. If only she could do the same, but instead she is going into hiding. Today is that day of the eminent government ceremony. She isn't certain at what time it is taking place, but she is certain she won't be there. She plans to hide in the woods until sunset and then she'll come home to hide in Peeta's arms. He recognizes it and he doesn't force his opinions on her. He even packs her a lunch for the afternoon and she loves him more for it, not for the food but for his understanding.

He isn't planning to attend either, he plans to stay busy in the bakery. It was rebuilt over these past weeks with the help of the people who wanted to return his kindness through the past year. The grand opening is going to be someday in the next week, but there is still last touches that need to be made. He has more than his work cut out for him, if not with the bakery than for the Equinox Festival later tonight.

There is the other reason for her hiding in the woods. The grand ceremony is to commemorate the restoration of District 12. The government never changes. They wanted to gloat the new homes and the new factories. They want to show the rest of the country that if the poorest district could recover from the ruins than they could too. She despises the government for it, but she can't deny that she feels proud of the people. Their will is what allowed them to build from the dust and they deserve this festival. The people have organized it. It is a festival very much like what had once been the Harvest Festivals, but very unlike them as well. There will be music and food, like the Harvest Festival, and in a way it will also to celebrate the victory over death. But unlike the Harvest Festival there will be no Hunger Games looming in the back of their minds. This is a new celebration of its kind. The newly titled Equinox Festival is a celebration of people finding what she had found in dandelions a long time ago. They found rebirth instead of destruction. They found the promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. That is what the Equinox Festival is.

She still wants no role in it, maybe next year she will but not today. She has encouraged Peeta to attend on his own, she wants him too. He deserves it as much as anyone. He committed himself to bake batches of bread for the festival, but he refuses to attend without her. He will hand the bread to Greasy Sae and then make his way home. She only loves him more.

It is no surprise that at some point their hugs and kisses weren't enough to fulfill their affection. It happened on one of the last nights of winter. They had sex. Don't be fooled, it was awkward and painful the first time. Peeta had tried not to ramble in gratitude and she tried not to love him more. They both failed. But every encounter after that night had been easier. They didn't just have sex, they made love. As cliché as it may sound every time they did, it only validated their trust and commitment. Every encounter now is a promise that together they can make it through whatever the future might bring.

They will, but right now she needs to be alone. She needs to go to the place that has become her therapy. Yet, she knows she's going to go further. She knows she is going to the lake, for the first time in months. Today is the first time she feels ready no matter how long it has been. She reaches the forest and stops for a moment. She has her bow and arrows, maybe she can hit something now. She didn't exactly plan to hunt today, but she should to get something for dinner. She could get one squirrel at minimum, it's Peeta's favorite meat. He deserves a good meal in the least, since he's not going to the festival on her behalf. She doesn't hesitate after that.

She walks with stealth through a familiar trail. It's the same trail that most squirrels vest in and it takes a while before she spots one. It is perched on a tree, distracted. She smiles. It is a plump one. She places her killing shot and lets it go. The arrow hits it right through the eye and it falls ten feet to the ground.

She proudly takes a few steps to retrieve it, when someone else picks it up. She stops dead in her tracks, sure she is hallucinating. Yet, he picks it up and she just stares dumbfounded.

* * *

Gale picks up the dead squirrel by the tail and hangs in front of him inspecting the shot.

She would believe he is an apparition of her mind if it wasn't for how changed he looks. He is older. He now looks like the man he had to become at an early age. His looks have caught up with his story and time has only enriched them. He is taller and his shoulders broader. His brown hair is longer and fashionably styled. She guesses some of it has to be for his camera ready appearances. She wasn't wrong when she knew his looks would take him far and he'd live a nice life with someone else in District 2. But he isn't there, he's here. She knew he'd be back in District 12 today, but she means here, in the forest that once was theirs.

"Nice shot Cat-Katniss," he says holding out the squirrel to her.

She doesn't reach out to take is. She stands there immobilized with a dozen thoughts passing through her mind.

He retracts his hand back toward him awkwardly, as if to examine it another time.

He twirls it in front of him, "Right through the eye."

She just stares hoping this is a dream, that she's not really here. She stares forgetting the words she has sometimes thought she'd say if she ever saw him again. Some accusations and other pleads for explanations.

She just stares dead panned.

He tentatively reaches out the dead animal to her again.

It takes her seconds too long, but at last her hand jerks forward. She takes it by the dangling body to avoid contact with his hand and he seems relieved for an instance.

They stand there in silence, few feet apart and only observing each other. She wants to run in the other direction but she doesn't, her feet stay cemented to the ground.

He speaks first looking around, "It didn't change much did it."

He points to a place in the distance behind her, "You remember when you shot your first stag over there and we'd thought we won the lottery."

She doesn't look back. She doesn't say any of the words she has premeditated.

Instead she asks, "What are you doing here?"

Their gray eyes reflect each other when he answers, "I was asked to make a public appearance they think I'm— they want me to show the district on camera. They want me to talk about the reconstruction. I didn't— I guess I'm a familiar face."

She feels resentment and relief. She feels resentment for so many reasons. But at this instance it's because he was never part of the reconstruction. He didn't help the people like Peeta did. But then she feels relief because he's the one the cameras want and not them.

On that last thought her tone is less offensive, "I meant- what are you doing here?"

She is talking about where they are standing right now.

"I heard the families had meat to eat— I came here hoping to I'd find you."

She doesn't respond.

He continues, "I know things will never be the same."

She knows where he's heading with that. She is screaming in her head for him to stop. She wants to shout at him that he has no right. And yet, her traitorous lips keep their silence.

"I can't-" he stops.

"I don't know how to begin to— I want you to know what happened," he says with genuine sorrow.

She wants to yell but she only matches his tenor, "There is no point in explaining. It happened."

He doesn't relent, "But I need to. I need to try to explain. I beg you, let me explain."

She scoffs, "You were fine before. You didn't need to explain a year ago, so why now?"

He appeals, "Because Katniss. It's exactly that. I made a mistake and I've lived with this weight for too long,"

They are the wrong words.

She raises her voice and finally speaks her truth, "You've lived with the burden?! I lost my sister! I lost Prim! I lost her Gale and you walked away!"

His eyes fall away from hers, "You couldn't look at me Katniss."

She won't stop now, "You could have tried damn it! You could have tried!"

He looks at her with a look she can't define, "That isn't fair."

Her eyes well up against her will, "No, you know what's not fair?! Living every day since wondering if your best friend murdered your sister, that's not fair!"

He gets angry now, "I didn't murder her!"

She makes her accusation, "No, but your creation did!"

His whitewashed expression means he knows there is truth to that, "Katniss, you have to hear me, please. I beg you."

She stays silent and he uses it as he opportunity.

"Yes, it was my invention but- when I designed it with Beetee, I was filled with resentment. I wanted to return the same wrath the Capitol forced on us," he begins.

"I know Gale, but it doesn't matter. It still killed my sister," Katniss says defeated, tears running down her face.

"I know you will always blame me, Katniss. I know no matter what I say- I know no words can change it. But I have to try, to tell you that I never gave the order. I didn't drop the bombs. Coin stole the contraptions from the lab and when- the moment it happened- I'm so sorry Katniss. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Prim is gone and I'm sorry it was my idea that took her. 'I'm sorry," he says with eyes so contrite that she knows it's all true.

She just looks at the ground, tears streaming down her face.

"I planned all the things I would say to you. I planned all the words…. I know it's too late for me.  
I can't beg for your forgiveness, but I beg you not to hate me. I know I- please don't hate me Katniss," he says water glazing over his eyes.

She looks up to his eyes, and truly looks into them. This is the moment where she makes her choice. She's tired. She's tired of hurting and being haunted by this. She's learning how to love again and maybe that's what makes her chose. She wants to forgive, she wants to because maybe that's the only way her life can really move on. She decides it because Prim would want this. She decides because Snow would win if she didn't.

"I do forgive you Gale, but I will never forget... and— I don't hate you Gale and maybe that's the only thing can offer," she says crying.

A look passes over his face and then he embraces her.

She keeps her hands at her side, one holding the dead animal. She feels it eerily symbolizes something. She can refuse this and hold on to the deceased life, or she can let it fall and find warmth back in her life. She drops the squirrel and hugs him back. It doesn't mean anything else than two people finding peace with each other and the past.

They stay like that for a while, tears falling from her eyes and him holding her close.

She takes a deep breath and pulls herself away, "What time is the ceremony?"

He looks at his watch, "At noon."

"Oh," she nods.

"Will you be there," he asks.

"No," she says honestly.

He looks at his boot, hesitating, "I heard- How's Peeta?"

"He's good," she says swiping under her eyes.

"I knew one day I'd be asking that," he says. It isn't filled with bitterness, it's just like a stated fact.

"Well, he's the only one who didn't left," she says in the same manner.

She has to add more to it though, because when Gale only nods something clicks with her.

"But that's not why I'm with him. Maybe, we both got stuck with each other but he's...," she's about ramble on a list of his best qualities. She trails off because there is no need for it, all she needs is to say the truth, "I love him."

He just nods whether in defeat or understanding, she'll never know.

"I should get going," he says knowing this may be the last time they see each other.

"Right," she nods, knowing the same but feeling like a dagger has been taken off her heart.

"I guess this is goodbye," he retorts.

She nods and he abruptly hugs her one last time. She allows it.

He let's go and starts walking away.

She speaks her last truth to his retreating back, "I wish nothing but the best for you Gale."

He turns and gives her small smile before disappearing into the woods.

She doesn't pick up the dead squirrel again. She changes her mind and almost runs home.

* * *

She is acting on impulse and she allows it. She takes a steaming bath and later braids her hair wet. She dresses in something casual while she goes to search in her basement. She moves boxes and finally finds what she is looking for. It is a chest full of Cinna's dresses. She isn't looking for something to get married in, she never will. Although, who knows, she used to say she'd never love again and not only does she love, she's in love. She looks past the glamorous dresses she wore once and the ones she never wore at all. Then she finds it, a simple green sundress. She hugs it and silently thanks Cinna. She goes upstairs and dresses into it. She finds a pair of flats and goes back into the bathroom. She undoes her braid and styles the waves it created. She gazes at her appearance in the mirror and can't believe a year ago she was ready to stop living.

She looks at the time, it is well into the afternoon already. She leaves her house heading for town. She walks past Haymitch, who is sitting on his porch gulping on a bottle of white liquor. He catches sight of her and whistles.

"What's the special occasion sweetheart," he shouts teasing.

She just smirks and bellows, "If you stayed sober long enough, you'd already know."

He raises an eyebrow and she waves goodbye.

She passes through town and finds people setting up for the festival. Some people give her questioning looks and others smile at the sight of her. She is in such a state of contentment that she isn't ashamed of the few scars the dress doesn't hide. Today, is the first day she feels like she can look people in the eye and say yes I lived through it, I survived.

She makes it onto the street where the bakery is located. When she approaches closer a boy who is no older than 16 is walking toward her. A look of recognition passes over his face and she knows why. He is one of the guys Peeta hired to help set up the equipment inside the bakery.

"Hello," she says first out courtesy.

"Hello, Mrs. Mellark," he says politely.

She should correct him and yet all she asks is, "Peeta is there, right?"

"Yes, he let me go early because of the festival," he says happily.

"Good," she says with a smile.

He asks, "Are you two coming?"

"We'll see you there," she nods.

They say farewell, then she reaches her destination.

"I thought I told you to go home," Peeta yells without harshness from a back room when he hears the welcoming bell from the door.

She knows he doesn't know it's her but she calls back, "You never said anything."

She doesn't hear a response and he emerges promptly at the door to the back room.

He takes in the sight of her and his mouth goes ajar.

"Do I look ridiculous," she asks.

He shakes his head, "You don't. You're beautiful."

"Good, because I dressed like this for you," she says as if annoyed.

He smiles like it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him. "And why do I get the great honor?"

She doesn't say anything and approaches him.

She takes hold of his hand, "I saw Gale today."

An aggrieved look replaces his smile.

"Where?"

She studies his hand, "In the woods."

"He didn't hurt you," he asks not meaning physically but emotionally.

"No, but he made me realize something," she answers looking up at his eyes.

"What," he asks unsure.

"How much I love you Peeta," she admits.

He's lips curve upward.

"We can talk about it later," she says untying his apron.

"Where are we going," he asks getting the hint.

"You'll see," she says before giving him a gentle kiss.

They close the bakery.

"Hey Peeta," she says when they begin walking hand in hand.

He turns his head, "Yeah?"

"I think I'm going to call my mom tomorrow," she says simply.

"I'll be there with you, if you want," Peeta says.

"I know," she says smiling.

The future is uncertain, but what she has with Peeta isn't. Not anymore.

_Not anymore._


End file.
